Self-Caring 2020: The Power of Yes
The most powerful words I heard in 2019:
“I’m not saying NO to you, I’m saying YES to me.”
How do you want to feel in 2020? What experiences would you like to have?
With whom do you want to spend time with?
What foods do you want to eat? How much sleep would you prefer to get? How will you feel nourished?
What do you want your work day to look like? How would it feel to go home each night after a day lived like that?
Who is at home? How would you like to feel when with them?
Bonnie’s phrase was so impactful because it brushed up against something I notice almost daily. We are absolutely inclined to operate / organize around / and desire a life of negation.
Here’s how I often see it … a student comes in and we start talking. I ask how they’re doing and what they’re working on, and so on. At some point during the session I’m routinely met with: I don’t do that because it will hurt / I avoid doing ___ because I don’t want to feel bad again / I’m worried that I can’t because ____ / or some version of “not wanting” because of fear, scarcity, or some negative association.
And it’s not just in the studio …
Ask someone what they want for dinner. Not pizza! Anything but Chinese food. Nothing too spicy, please.
Those are not deliverable requests. I can’t help you get what you don’t want.
How about in relationships …
I don’t like to be around gossipy people. I don’t want a friend like THAT. I’ll never let myself be treated that way again!
Saying what you don’t want is NOT the same as saying what you DO want. It’s not even inferred.
Stating you don’t want to be poor lacks the actionable quality of stating you want to be financially secure.
“I’m not saying no to you, I’m saying yes to me,” is so powerful because it requires you to know what you need! It requires you to know what you need even if you can’t name it exactly. It requires you to have explored, sat with, and challenged your requirements. It requires a curiosity that leads to truly caring for yourself rather than needing the Instagram version of self-care. And it requires you to share your experience in a way that leads other people to value it and YOU.
If you know my work you know I’m devoted to self-organization. The truth is that we can’t create an organizational strategy of avoidance. It only works if we are progressing toward an actionable goal rather than evading. If your goal is to “not have knee pain” what would shift (experiences and choices) if instead you shifted your goal to “learning to be in better conversation with the knee?” What data / information might unfold from that simple choice?
Yes versus No might read like semantics, but as we’ve covered before, words are powerful. They bring forth and color our experiences.
Choosing to say YES to choices that bring happiness is more effective than saying NO to those you’re inclined to avoid. It creates an opportunity to not only know yourself rightly, but to be known alike.
Your priorities and values make known who you are. Getting clear about what you want vs. what you don’t want opens the door for the world, your community, and your Self to support YOU.
HOMEWORK: List time!
Make a short list, maybe three or five bulleted points, of things that you want for yourself this year. This is not a resolution! These are words, concepts, choices you can organize around and refer back to when you need some guidance. Are you working toward something(s)? Or simply avoiding … choices / fears / and support?
~ james CRADER
