Aunt Sally: A Lady of MisLeading Questions
At some point we all ask for advice.
Communally giving and receiving advice makes us feel like a tribe, whether it’s from a trusted friend or colleague … a mentor or professional … and sometimes we even ask strangers for advice.
Just look in any online forum.
This blog post is inspired by a reader. (Thank you, Amy!) She asked if I might be interested in, or have something to say about, how Teachers (Pilates / Yoga / Personal Training / etc.) regularly seek advice about specific students through online forums and social media posts. When I receive questions like this I take a moment and widen my lens a bit. What is the larger conversation here?
I’m certain it’s not uniquely his terminology, but my Myofascial Release teacher, John F. Barnes has a great term for open-ended / vague / but direct questions.
He calls them Aunt Sally Questions.
Here’s how Aunt Sally Questions are often posed in one way or another - “I have a client, Sally, that suffers from SI Joint pain. We’ve tried all the usual fixes, still nothing seems to be working. I’d really love for her to get better. Do you have any advice for me? What do you think will work?” (Or some similar version of some similar question)
Obviously our Asker cares deeply, and is looking for some support.
The problem is that as a Reader, and someone interested in offering support, I simply don’t know enough about Aunt Sally (the Client) to say anything worthwhile. I don’t know what her pain feels like to her. I have no idea how she senses pain. For how long? I don’t know which movements make it feel better / worse. Has she had surgery? Is something else contributing to her discomfort? How’s her resiliency and overall sense of wellness? Does she feel supported at home? Is she committed to curiously exploring how she can navigate a better relationship with her SI Joint, or does she just want you to “fix” her?
So many questions …
Aunt Sally Questions are geared toward specific individuals that Answerers undoubtedly don’t know. Meaning, Asker knows exactly who they are asking advice about / for (Sometimes it’s a client, and sometimes it’s his/herself), yet Asker hasn’t given enough information for the Reader to be a beneficial Answerer. Therefor anything Answerer has to say is speculation, personal preference, and to be taken with a proverbial grain of salt.
Instead, what if Asker reframed their question to something that invited curious and direct dialogue, and expert resourcing. For example, what if Asker said something like, “I’m currently working through some SI Joint explorations with a student, and I’m curious to know which experts you all turn to for advice on the subject after you’ve run out of ideas? I’m particularly interested in finding out more info on self-massage / somatic inquiry / and breath work as it pertains to SI Joints. Have you tried these strategies?”
Certainly s/he is still interested in helping, Sally. However Asker hasn’t impassioned the question with emotion that may or may not be accurate for, Sally, and doesn’t trigger the reader to reflexively react with a same here mentality. Additionally the directness in asking for what s/he needs (expert resources on specific topics and first-person experiences) cues Readers (potential Answerers) into knowing exactly how they might be of service to Asker. It also clues Asker into knowing which answers to consider and which are just preferential speculations. Was the remark left by Answerer truly an answer to one of Asker’s questions? Or was it tangental?
If it wasn’t a direct response then chances are it wasn’t an answer at all, and probably worth ignoring.
More than supporting their tribe, current research is showing that often frequent Advice Givers are using answers as a subtle, but distinct, pathways to power. (I don’t support that)
Again, if we widen the lens a bit we see a greater picture. When we reduce our (and our student’s) needs to a list of problems to be fixed (by the generic recommendation of outside speculations) we limit our view to parts and pieces of a whole-person, and obstruct the ability for that person (or yourself) to self-organize and reach our personal potential.
I appreciate the human desire to connect with its tribe and seek guidance, I’m just not entirely sure that strangers have any more pieces to the puzzle of your life than you do, and I don’t trust people who believe they do.
Period. Paragraph.
HOMEWORK: Here is a short list of thoughts to consider when seeking advice (online or in real life).
Am I seeking advice, or looking to be validated? Nothing is innately wrong with either, just be clear. Asking for advice after a decision has already been made (or you are committed to an answer) is not the same as asking for the reassurance that you’ve made a good choice. Good advice is often challenging to your beliefs. If it wasn’t you’d have probably thought of it yourself.
Is the person I’m asking an expert? Whether a friend or professional, do you know them to be committed to relatively objective advice on topics they have spent a fair amount of time considering? If you are inclined to give advice, is it objective or opinion? (If you take issue with it being rebutted it’s probably the later.)
What specific resource / tool / support are you asking experts for? Or should you clarify that you just need to talk and be heard in the moment?
Rather than assuming someone out there has THE ANSWER to your question, trust that often you have the answer inside of yourself, and what you’re really asking for is some support and tools to help you self-discover what is valuable in the moment.
~ james CRADER
